I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize