you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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