I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
