I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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