Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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