he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
