I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
this hospital has no fireball
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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