I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
