god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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