My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
