after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
