I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
