Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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