We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
