I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
