I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
