Sry I called you an 8
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
