i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
