Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize