If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
