the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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