I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
