she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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