you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
