between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
