And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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