I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
