Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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