so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
