i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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