I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
