this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
