Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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