i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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