Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
