One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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