two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
