I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
