I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
