everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
