He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
