Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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