My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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