You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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