turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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