I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
