My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
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