nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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