Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
