Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
