Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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