Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
