so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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