It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
