I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
