I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
