If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
