when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize